I had no idea it would happen so fast. They say the days are long and the years are short and I was starting to get it. It all began to hit me in the fall of 2015. Our then family of only five was about to take off on a trip of a lifetime to Disney World. I hadn’t been since my one and only trip at the age of fifteen and my husband once at thirteen. We couldn’t wait to see the kids faces when we walked into the Magic Kingdom. I could picture it; the awe, the amazement, the joy all over their angelic faces! The hours planning and dollars spent would be worth every bit at that moment. I COULD NOT WAIT! And of course they were pretty pumped too!
When talking Disney, I have to interject a moment of honesty and clarity here, and I bet you can relate. There were no doubt moments of awe and wonder, but I’m pretty sure I pulled a kid or two aside and yelled, “Do you have any idea how much money we spent to take this trip?” as I’m thinking “you ungrateful little… angels!” Oh, the emotion roller coaster of Disney vacations. You know, that place you swear you’ll never go back to when you’re there. But then magically, by the drive home you’re already planning your next visit! How does that happen? I think they cast a spell on parents before they leave – I swear! It’s so wrong!
I do have some fond memories from that vacation, and then quite truthfully some that actually bring sadness to my heart when I start to reflect… For one, my husband got this awful cold when we were there, so I might have put him in the bad attitude category with the kids at my not-so-great moments. We have since come to the conclusion (now that this is a regular thing for Mike) that he wears himself out so much so in the planning mode before the trip that his immune system completely gives up just in time for the big adventure. Fun times for all! When will he learn?! Love you babe but work with me next time on this – thanks!
Lucky for me though, he still managed to be a really good friend, and a shoulder to cry on – literally, during one of my greatest struggles on this trip. One I never saw coming and no one prepared me for…
Because every parent that has been to Disney World with a 8, 6 and 4-year-old knows how important it is to hold hands when navigating the wild crowds of mass chaos, how do you handle it when the 8-year-old refuses? I’ll tell you how this Mom handled it! Not well! Besides the fact that I wanted to pull the boy aside and tell him who was boss, it went much deeper… I thought to myself, “This better be a fluke or some random bad mood from too little sleep the night before.” But it wasn’t… it wasn’t at all. That was it, friends. That sweet baby hand that had reached out to his mommy for eight years wouldn’t ever do it again…. Tears well up as I write this. It hurt then, and it still hurts now. My baby boy… was slipping away. So soon and so fast. I carried the hurt and also tried to hide it, all day that day… until I let it out when the kids finally passed out in our hotel room late that night. It was then that I had to chance to unleash on Mike. God Love him. He’s so great with my emotions.
I couldn’t hold it back. I shared how I wanted to go back in time and make Will promise to never stop grabbing his mom’s hand or be afraid to give her a hug in public. I know this broke his dad’s heart too. Though he didn’t quite have the same deep innate desire to hold that baby boy forever like I did that had grown from the time I named him at 18 weeks pregnancy, Mike saw the innocence slipping away too, and saw the sadness in me. He promised to talk to Will and would surely remind him to hold his mom’s hand the next day. This conversation was enough to put me to sleep for the night and ease me through the start of my first heartbreak of rejection from my own child. BUT, this was just the beginning.
I believe this story can relate to any parent-child relationship. This memory is symbolic of the beginning of an inevitable disconnect that takes place at some point with each of our children. I’ll never forget that trip for that profound experience. I am happy to say I have so many other joyous memories from Disney 2015, and I absolutely didn’t allow a few moments of sadness to take away from the magic the rest of it would bring. But, looking back, I believe this was the introduction of a major life lesson that was then followed by comfort, peace and realizations of great purpose. They are this…
1. I must be doing something right. It didn’t occur to me right away, but I’ve had some years of over-analyzing, long talks with other moms, and more experiences with rejection from my now almost 7th grader. If you have had a middle schooler, you are almost numb to your kid wanting you to not touch them in the presence of their peers. I’ve known some parents whose kids say to act like they don’t even know them. Seriously!? How wrong is that?! We only brought these children into the world. Have some respect, kid! But I get it…kids are tough.
I realize now this is normal. This is their world. And Mom and Dad, you just don’t have a clue what it’s like to be in it. Only, we actually do have a clue. They can’t fathom that we actually dealt with similar experiences, you know, back in our black and white days. I think they are the clueless ones. Anyway, their world has changed. They are surrounded by more real world stuff and they are expected to behave more like real world human beings. Not babies, you moms who are sad they don’t want to hold your hand. But, this is a good thing! This is what we want, right? You want them to be able to do life without you, right? I hope you do! It’s inevitable. Moms and Dads, you won’t be around forever, they’ll need to be on their own so they can do life and do it well and so they can even bring their own into the world and teach them the same.
Besides, babies don’t stay babies forever. I tell people this all the time. Now that I have a middle schooler and babies all at once, they’ll say, “oh I miss the baby phase!” Some even disclose a desire to have more babies, to which I say… “don’t just have a baby to have a baby. Babies always get bigger and FAST. Babies don’t stay babies forever.” And it’s a good thing. In fact, it’s a good thing all phases pass because anyone stuck in one spot forever might lose their minds for some of the headaches that accompany the glory.
But here’s the good news when they give you distance and say, “I got this on my own.” Be proud of yourself. This means you’ve done something right. This means they are brave enough to take the next step with more independence. Taking more and more steps like this through the coming years means they are walking into their own world with independence. A world they can use their own unique gifts and become what God intended for them…
2. I’m glad I put more emphasis on my marriage. Your kids will let you down; there’s no escaping it. But, where do you go and how do you react? When I started to feel my son slipping away it melted my heart, and the first person to pick me up was Mike. He hates to see me sad, and lucky for me he’s more mature than an 8-year-old so he can put his hand out to hold mine when the kids no longer are willing. I am so thankful for my husband. Sometimes I wonder how in the world I could raise these five kids and navigate the heartaches and trials that come with parenting without him. It’s tough being a parent! And to be a “good” parent? Even harder! Amen?! I know God will always hold me in his hands, but my human understanding and weakness wants someone next to me that I can see. Someone I can verbalize my struggles to and receive audible words of reassurance in return. And oh how sad it is that I’ve been around long enough to see friends lose their “person”, so you better believe I thank God for this man. Lord knows nobody else would want me with my classroom of children! Sorry, I couldn’t help myself! Mike and I tease each other about this all the time. It’s true! Ha!
You need to know something about me and Mike. I will confidently say we have a strong marriage that I would put up against any, BUT, it hasn’t come easy to us. In fact, I would be willing to bet, anyone who has a good marriage would tell you the same. It DOES NOT come naturally OR easy. People change, desires change, circumstances change, and no one is exempt from this. This means the two will have to fight for the relationship… We are not one of the “lucky” ones. We fight! For US! And I don’t mean 50/50, I mean 100% ME. I let him take care of his percentage. But YOU have to be willing to commit 100% to growing yourself into the type of person you would like to be married to. Because whether you think it or not, you aren’t perfect. It’s been my continual commitment to become better for Mike, and THAT has grown us closer. He has just so happened to follow and do the same, but that must be less of my concern than what I can bring to the table. Do I mess up? Yes! Does he? Yes! But with God as my guide, our foundation and love has become more and more solid.
Friends, when your kids let you down, I hope you have a best friend in your spouse to share your hurts and to make you smile. If you don’t have that sort of relationship in someone, and your kids are where you seek all your joy, you are in a very dangerous place. You are setting yourself up for some serious disappointment. They are kids; they just don’t know or understand your adult emotions. And by the time they do, they are likely pursuing a companion of their own and you will likely get overlooked. That’s just the way it is! Remember this is what you wanted though! You want them to become independent of you with their own full and unique life of blessings. They are yours on loan for just a little while. Enjoy what you can while you can until they fly!
So as I watch my babies grow and need me less, I more deeply understand the importance of loving Mike above the kids. My kids know I love them to death, but they know I love their dad even more. And I’d say, I better put more focus on the relationship with their dad. If I’m lucky enough to have my heart’s desires, my kids will be with me at home for a mere 18 years and my husband for 65+! That’s a huge difference! And that’s a lot of years! That means I better learn to love better, enjoy more and really like this man! It’s actually pretty awesome friends… prioritizing and growing our marriage over the years has lead us to love and like each other more and more! I wouldn’t have dreamed that to be the case on my wedding day 14 years ago!
3. He really does still need me, just in a different way now. In all reality, each of your kids still needs you in some capacity. They always have a desire for you to be there for them, it just changes. The hard part for us is making those adjustments. Knowing how and when to adjust. The years pass so quickly and before you know it your baby turns 8 and doesn’t want to hold your hand, then goes to middle school and doesn’t want to be seen with you. As I write, my son is on his 3rd night away at church camp. He has gone every year for the past four and absolutely loves it! Same place each year, but this year the send off was much different…
Sadly enough, you won’t find a picture in my phone this summer of Will’s bunk set-up at camp. Boo-hoo! It was about two hours before our departure last Saturday when he informed us he wanted just one parent to take him to camp this year. I knew exactly what this meant. By now I’ve been down this road, and I can gladly report there are no longer any tears when mom gets rejected. Because what this really meant was that he wanted his dad to take him and I should say my goodbyes right here, right now. And so, I did. With lots of love and a peace that once was not familiar. I couldn’t imagine the day, but it’s true, I’m ok with this now. I’m letting go but still filled with lots of love and joy watching my child mature into a young man.
His need for me is changing. He may not need me to give him 20 hugs and squirt a tear before I put his Teddy Bear on his bunk bed and take a memory photo like I did years past, but I know what he does need. He needs to know I accept him as he is, changes and all, and that I am proud of him. He still needs me to say I love you – just maybe not in public. He needs those camp notes I wrote reminding him that I’m praying for him and that I know God has big plans for his life. He needs me to ask about all the fun things he did when I pick him up and who made him smile and who became a good friend this week. In fact, your kids always need you for these words of affirmation and reassurance. You are special to them. And you always will be. Delight in that. Embrace that.
Soon enough they’ll be in high school and still need you for all of that even though it’s likely you’ll hardly see them as their social calendar becomes their world! But I get it, I was there and so were you! This is normal too. An introduction for parents to get a taste of what the house might feel like when they leave for college, and they literally are not there. And then the college years arrive and whether you’re ready or not you’re transitioned to a phase where you’re lucky if they spend Christmas and summer break with you. But, It’s all part of the natural progression.
And then someday even later, your baby has a baby of their own and they’ll need you then too. They’ll need your love and acceptance, because you know this parenting thing is tough, and they just want to know you support them and are proud of them. They’ll need you to pick up the phone and ask how their day was, and they’ll need you to listen. I know this because I still need my parents. My mom is my biggest prayer warrior and on the days I struggle the most she just knows it, and her sincere nurturing motherly love is priceless in these moments. You can always be there. You are always needed.
In the end you must remember, the progression of letting go and seeking independence is normal and necessary for each of us. It is a good thing and you should welcome it. You want this for your kids, and as it happens, be proud of yourself. Be very proud – you’re doing something right. And though your emotions could get the best of you at times and it may hurt a bit along the way, hopefully you have someone by your side to share the trials with and wish them well. The kids will eventually move on and be gone and you’ll be left with an empty nest and a partner that I hope is your best friend. And when they leave your side, let them know repeatedly that you love them, and you Mamas and Dads rest assure they’ll always need you. They’ll always be your baby.
P.S. My hope is that words of comfort and encouragement reach others. If you feel so inspired, I would be very honored if you would click “SHARE” below, so your friends can receive this message.
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