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Guilty. 100%. Well maybe 60%. I’m partially recovered thanks to age, wisdom and the grace of God. I’m not necessarily proud of this, but I’m your classic “people pleaser.” We’re not all that bad though, really. In fact, we have some pretty awesome traits if I do say so myself… but… we could definitely use a little work.

What does it really mean to be a “people pleaser” anyway? 

I label myself this all the time, as if to justify this obsessive behavior, but what does it really mean? I think “people pleasers” are people who have created an “unhealthy” balance of considering others expectations and opinions “in place of” the needs or opinions of themselves or those who matter most. 

These people we aim to please are typically the ones who appear to have the highest expectations of us. Or, it’s the person we feel the need to prove ourselves too. And in many cases, these are not the people who matter most to us. This means the people pleaser will suffer for the sake of the person they want to please, and so do others suffer, who are closest to them. 

Even though deep down we know God’s opinion, maybe our spouse’s needs, or even our own desperate needs, should come first… a people pleaser will give in to the pressures (realistic or not) of all sorts of people who they “think” or who “seem” to want or expect something from them.   

Do you know what it looks like?

I’ll give you some examples… It’s like this…  Your husband really wants you home tonight because he feels like you’ve been a little distracted lately and deep down even he needs to know he’s #1… BUT your friend, who by the way really doesn’t have that great of a relationship with her husband, invites you to meet up with her and the girls. You reluctantly go, because your husband will understand. AND if you don’t go again, they’ll think you’re pathetic because you can’t ever be without him. Or they’ll be disappointed in you because you never show up for anything these days. If you go, you can prove yourself…

OR how about this one… I read this story recently of a young mom, let’s call her Karen, who adored her husband and 3 kids. She worked until she exhausted herself most days to keep a pleasant home and attempt to raise her kids right. Her kids were well fed too, but Karen had this nagging sense in her head. You see, her mother-in-law had apparently always made home cooked meals for her sweet son when he was growing up. And even though Karen was a fabulous mother and wife with her own unique gifts, at some point Karen got so wrapped up in this idea, that if she didn’t live up to this, she’d be a disappointment… 

What about at work? Maybe you… or maybe it’s your spouse. Have you ever had a coworker or boss that wanted you to take on an additional responsibility for no additional pay? One that would also require more of your time away from home. You knew your spouse would forgive you eventually, but what would your coworkers think if you didn’t go along? Your focus is this… What if I don’t put the extra work in and someone thinks I’m not good enough, not as good as someone else, or worse… what if they say something about me letting everyone know I’m a failure. IF you just do it, maybe they will have something nice to think or say. And then maybe you’ll get some sort of credit down the road validating your sense of worth…

Maybe you can think of an example at your kids’ school or sports team… Where you did something or made a choice simply for the sake of pleasing a teacher, coach, or parent to avoid looking like a “lazy slacker.” Even though you knew good and well you were over-committed and extended, and this could put you over the edge…

Honestly friends, I could have written examples of how I’ve first-hand struggled with people pleasing to fill a chapter of a book. But I’ll save that for later. Let’s just say…

It’s a tough life. 

None of that sounds fun at all does it? Trying to always please others at your expense is exhausting. It’s true, you’re spinning around in circles, one attempt to please at a time, getting dizzier and dizzier with resentment and bitterness. Along with anger and frustration toward others, to the point you end up totally missing out on the “good stuff.” The stuff that you’re supposed to be doing. The things God is calling YOU to do, that were designed for YOU, by His plan for YOU. People pleasing can be a major distraction from a better purpose and calling.

So Why Do We Do It?

I’ll tell you from my personal experience – the underlying issue seems to be rooted in… “Not Enough”.  It’s sad. But it’s true. It’s like there are voices in the head of a people pleaser saying… So and so wants you do this, or thinks you should do that, and if you can’t or don’t… that means you’re not good enough. You’re NOT enough. So we work even harder to please, to get approval from others, and to validate and prove ourselves. The disappointment of others would just be too much to handle. Even though half the time the “so called” expectations don’t even exist. Because the truth is, we usually make them up out of paranoia.  BUT, we still assume and aim to please to avoid even the potential disappointment. Our thoughts are this – if we don’t come through and meet the so called expectation, we might be forced to face “I’m not good enough” and would be left defeated and crushed to pieces. 

What about the people who are closest to you? The people who are closest to you, or the people you know love you unconditionally, aren’t really as much your concern. (Though deep down you know they should be.) It just so happens, you feel a little more confident you are enough to them. Because of this, it ends up being the people who aren’t the “number one’s”, who get the priority of the people pleaser. These might be your co-workers, extended family, neighbors, parents at school… Basically anyone outside of your home bargaining for a piece of you. 

People pleasers are actually pretty special.

So, how did I get like this, anyway? It’s so annoying sometimes, really it is! No… I know better than to think that way. God made me like this on purpose. All of us people pleasers. You and I are actually pretty special people. You are probably very “compassionate”, wouldn’t you say? You care a lot about people. If I didn’t care about people, if I didn’t care about the person with the expectation, I honestly wouldn’t be concerned at all about what they thought. If I didn’t care about them, I probably wouldn’t care what they thought about my choices, what I’ve done, or what I’m doing. But you see, I do care!

Here’s the truth…

You are enough. You are enough just as you are. But I know you even go above and beyond, don’t you? So I’m going out on a limb here, but I think for that very reason, you’re actually more than enough. And do you know how I know you are enough?? …God says, we were ALL created in HIS image. He says we were ALL wonderfully made. He says we are loved forever. And not because we have earned it. The Bible says, absolutely nothing can separate us from his love and nothing we do or don’t do can make him love us anymore or any less. How awesome is that?! 

So am I saying you don’t have to work so hard to please every person you encounter? Basically, yes! If it’s wearing you out, and leaving you bitter and resentful… stop it! Ok, you want to keep being your compassionate self. But let’s face it, some people will never be happy, for some people it will never be enough, and remember… they may not really have these “so called expectations” in the first place. Yes, sometimes God wants us to do something that has everything to do with serving others, but let’s focus more on what God wants you to do, instead of focusing on what others want you to do. 

The Solution. How do I stop?

So, great, I get it… people pleasing is tough. I know I am enough, and that I need to ask what God wants me to do before others… but how? The first thing we need to ask ourselves is…

#1 – “Is this is a real expectation or request?” 

Is it?! Because, like I mentioned earlier, sometimes what you think is an expectation, is simply your own paranoia. We literally make up the expectations of others in our heads. When in reality, that poor other person you are resenting, could care less.  So, maybe you need to have a conversation with someone to clear things up to confirm the expectation first. 

Remember Karen and her mother-in-law? The story went on to share that Karen couldn’t handle the pressure anymore, and when a friend suggested she tell her mother-in-law how she felt, and when she did, she was shocked by the response. Her mother-in-law first praised Karen for how well she was raising her kids and how grateful she was for the love she gave her son. But, then went on to say… she had it all wrong about the cooking she had done in her son’s childhood. She said she really only cooked occasionally (and not so fancy) when the kids were little, because she was working late nights. And that it really wasn’t until her kids were a bit older, and her schedule allowed, that she started doing it more. She was actually surprised anyone remembers her cooking that much, and said she also struggled like Karen does. When her kids were young, she too found it very difficult finding something everyone would eat and balancing that with kids’ and work schedules. Imagine the relief Karen felt! And to think she was feeling so down on herself all these years, while all along her mother-in-law thought Karen was killing it! Too bad Karen was so paranoid for nothing. She could’ve used that encouragement on her tough days at home. 

So again, make sure you confirm the expectation, or at least get if off your chest. In the case above, even if Karen’s mother-in-law was a master chef when her kids were little… knowing Karen felt so insecure may have allowed her the opportunity to support her daughter-in-law a little better through these wild years. 

What is the motivation to please?

Now that you’ve identified the expectation or request is real or legitimate. We need to ask ourselves another question to make sure it is “love” not “the approval of others” that is our motivation to serve or to please. So you’ll next ask yourself… 

#2 – Am I doing this out of “love” for someone or to “win approval” of them? 

If your answer is approval… Friends, I want you to stay compassionate, but let’s focus on who’s opinion of you matters most. Ask yourself before you make a choice to please or serve… “Whose opinion of me is my motivation for what I’m doing?” Remember it’s not the opinions of others that define you. If you continue to serve for approval, validation and worth, you can easily become, angry, resentful and bitter. In this case, you avoid serving where God wants you. Ground your choices in what God says about you. Ask Him to reveal to you what you should be doing, and then follow your heart and ask Him for peace in your choices.

For example, maybe God wants you to be home with your husband instead of going out with your friends on that particular night. And what if they do judge you? Even if they do judge you for not showing up, and if they don’t understand, and if they slowly distance themselves… maybe God has better friends in mind for you. Friends that will understand and love you for you – no strings attached. You need friends, anyway, that won’t make you feel that sort of pressure. Friends that know that life is hard enough, and too short to act so petty. 

What if your answer is “love?” If LOVE is your motivation to please… I think you’re on a much better track. Maybe you should make that choice to serve someone. God doesn’t want us to serve others merely for their approval, but he does want us to serve others out of love. However, that said, if your motivation to please and serve is always out of love, that still doesn’t always mean you should always follow through. 

You may very well be that compassionate, always loving person, and want to do it all, for everyone, out of love. But this is dangerous… If you give in to this notion, you may find yourself completely overwhelmed, with nothing left to give yourself, or to those who need you most. You have to remember, you don’t need to do everything, to do good things. You can’t do it all. 

God has specific plans for you, and that doesn’t include everything that looks like “love” and “good” service to others. Out of love, and with love, you have to say “no” sometimes. We all have to hear “no” sometimes. It’s ok. You may want to say “yes” to everything, but God has a “best” yes for you. By the way, speaking of “best yes,” if you need help figuring out God’s “best” yes for you, stop what you’re doing right now and order Lysa Terkeurst’s book “The BEST Yes!”  Absolutely life changing – I’m not kidding!

Bottom line, Ask God to reveal what to say “yes” to and what to say “no” to. And what exactly for, to use your gifts that He gave. God’s “best yes” for you can lead you to a life more directed toward your purpose and calling. And isn’t that what we all want? Stay close to Him and He will best guide you. If you try to do it all, your way, you will get way out of balanced and enter stress overload. Trust me, I’ve been there before and I’ll be back there I’m sure! I guess I should take my own advice a little more, huh? Well, no one’s perfect!  

I’ll wrap this up…

People pleasing is an unhealthy balance of serving others and their opinions at the expense of what is most needed. And that is… what God says is best for you and the ones he put right in your home. 

It’s not easy being a people pleaser, but I know you do it because you are such a compassionate soul. You are special. And you don’t have to prove yourself. God says you are enough. Embrace that. It is the only opinion that should truly matter. The one that says, You are enough – just as He made you.

And when you struggle with an expectation (made up or not) or a request of you… stop and evaluate. If you’re considering only for approval – you don’t need their approval, so reconsider. If you’re considering out of love, ask God if it this is His “best yes” for you, knowing you can’t say yes to everything. What you really want is to find what He ultimately wants for you…  leading you to a life of greater purpose, a life of more peace, and a life full of joy.

P.S. My hope is that words of inspiration and encouragement reach others. If you feel so inspired, I would be very honored if you would click “SHARE” below, so your friends can receive this message. 

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