(Audio version also available here)

I have to tell you, I married a good man. We’re going on 15 years of marriage and I have confidence in our “till death do us part” vow just about as much as anything I’m 100% sure of. We do all the things. You know, to make our marriage solid, and so that we both receive the love we need. We do the weekly date night, pray for each other, sacrifice for each other. We prioritize “us” over the kids and any other relationship or activity that wants our time and attention… 

BUT, I don’t care how “good” we are, or how solid our faith, there is no such thing as a “perfect” marriage. Or in fact, anything close to it. It’s true! Even those you “think” look to have it so together on the outside – I would put “us” in that category – if you could drop into their home unannounced at a given moment, you might see the not so togetherness… There are selfish acts, hurtful words, and days of lonely distance. All sandwiched in between the words of affirmation, the loving embraces, and sacrificial service. The good, the okay, and the yuck… 

It’s ups and downs for all marriages. I’ll say it again… ALL marriages. There’s no perfect people, so there’s no perfect relationship. When I said “I do,” what I thought was two soulmates destined for a life a love, laughter and happily ever after, was in hindsight, two broken people, who were practically kids really. Two halfway clueless people, who met, fell in love, and probably believed life would just get easier and better after they tied the knot. Oops! Not quite the way it works. Truth eventually reveals that succeeding in marriage is a marathon of sorts that you’ll spend your whole life running and conditioning for. A race that many don’t have the capacity to persevere through til the end. Many quit or are miserable all the way to the finish line. Sounds dreadful doesn’t it? 

The good news is, it doesn’t have to be that way. The problem is… We have this expectation that this marriage is going to bring us all the love and all the joy that we’ve always longed for. We all long for it. We were made for it. There is so much hope on your wedding day. Do you remember? Your dreams are finally coming true. He is the “one” who will finally fill every void that everyone else left empty for all those years. You can see it. You can feel it… fullness and bliss right there at the end of the aisle. And then guess what is next?? …Major disappointment. Because no one can fill all the void’s. 

If you’re lucky, you will rebound from the shock and spend the next few years trying to figure all this out. I think year one is super tough for almost all marriages because this person you expected to be that “perfect” love – once and for all – fails you. And by year three or five you struggle to see the good in him at all anymore. You know, that Romeo he was of yours when you were dating. Now all you can think of is how he doesn’t look you in the eyes like a puppy dog and say “I love you” 20 times a day. He did that when his title was “fiance.” What happened?

Oh, those expectations. I guess I messed up on this one… we both probably did. In fact, I think this is what is wrong with so many marriages that fail. They honestly think this person can fix them. Be the answer to their brokenness and replace the unconditional selfless love of their parents. Then you get married and that new roommate of yours has needs too. Lots of them. And the two of you are different. And you both want something. You both want lots of things. But he’s flawed… and so are you. 

So now, the good news …I’m happy to report that through the hills and valleys of the earlier years, and finally getting over ourselves just a bit, all the hard work pays off. The determination to grow stronger together and love each other better, equals tremendous rewards. But a day comes that you realize no matter how hard you try, and how much work you put in, there will always be empty and lonely spaces in any relationship. Even if it feels close, that “perfect” love that you so desperately long for… just doesn’t show up.

But as though there was always the sense that perfect love was possible, I still longed for it. And I would hear about it… I bet you have too… The Bible paints the most beautiful picture of love… Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous, love is not boastful… It sounded so amazing at every wedding I attended that these words were recited. But what if your love with your husband doesn’t look as perfect as all these things? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with him? 

The truth is, I don’t think this is a description of any love possible on this earth really. Something to shoot for no doubt, but I believe this only paints a picture of a “perfect love” that it is only possible from one. A time came that I realized only God was capable of this perfect love for me. God is the only perfect lover of our souls. I remember the nights I would feel alone and like my husband just didn’t understand… those are the nights I would allow God to put his arms around me… It was perfect. I remember feeling a love that I had spent my life searching for. 

It was a love that felt so complete. It is the only love that fully completes me. Oh how I wish everyone could feel this love. There could be so fewer lonely and sad people. I see so many searching for it. And it’s available to every single one of us. 

I know I have only began to understand the completeness of this love… But, I am so thankful that I have hope. Hope that on the days that the love of the world lets me down, I have a love that will never let me down. A love that is always there. 

With diligence and perseverance Mike and I have always had a great marriage. I have a great husband… and I know he loves me. And I think he loves me more and more with each year that we work harder to grow together. But as we are two imperfect souls, his love will never be enough for me, and my love will never fully complete him. Because only God’s love is perfect. And God’s love is more than enough.

(Audio version also available here.)

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