I have heard the song a hundred times. I’ve sang it just as many. And it’s not the first time I was overcome by emotion… But, yesterday was different. My voice began to crack when the words came out of my mouth… “Holy Spirit You are welcome here…” And by the time I got to, “…what our hearts long for… To be overcome by Your Presence Lord,” I was full on choked up to my eyeballs as I fought the tears from pouring over my lower lids.

As I’ve grown in my walk in faith, it now happens this way sometimes … It’s like God stops me square in my tracks and everything that didn’t make sense, suddenly makes all kinds of sense. 

Have you ever battled with God?

I don’t mean you don’t trust Him to do His job. But, have you ever battled with Him when you’re going through something that you didn’t plan, and you didn’t understand why it was happening? You find yourself looking up and subconsciously asking God… “Why? What is this all about?” Something you tried to avoid because, you know, you sort of like to control… everything? Guilty! It could be something big, but for me, many times it’s the little things. 

Well who am I kidding, we can make really big things out of little things so easily, can’t we? You’re going to laugh or roll your eyes at this one… maybe? Or maybe you can relate… 

So, I’m a pretty healthy person. I’m no star athlete, but I’m in decent shape too. I like to feel good and be my best to take care of my people. I also want to enjoy my life, and so I eat pretty well, don’t overindulge and exercise fairly regularly. 

I’ve had pain issues off and on for years due to scoliosis, and sometimes I’ll tweak any given area of my back with a random reach for some heavy object. Maybe more than a tweak, it typically leaves me nearly out of commission for a week.

But, it could be worse, right?!

…Exactly! What in the world do I have to complain about? So what if I can’t jog, put the babies to bed, or comfortably sleep for a week? I can think of so many things that would be worse. You’re probably thinking of them now, or that I’m a big fat wimp!

Well… yeah… here it comes… there’s a “But” coming… a big one!  …BUT …it sooo gets the best of me. My dang back! The little inconvenience on day one of asking my husband to help out here and there around the house, turned into a childish driving-me-crazy-nightmare (in my mind) by day seven. Like this….

“What in the world is the point of this? …And how in the world did this happen, anyway? I’m not buying or playing the “age” card. And I can be surely be positive… but patient too? Seriously, day one I saw the sun through the clouds… “Hey, thanks God for giving me a chance to slow down. I could use a little help anyway. And by the way, thanks also for making it well enough before my big trip for my 40th birthday, because you know I was totally looking forward to riding bikes, taking jogs and walks around town with my husband, without kids. There’s no way I can do those things in this condition so, great, I appreciate the thoughtfulness!” 

Do you see what I was thinking? I didn’t!

I thought I was being nice and thankful to God through my circumstances.  But was I, really? NO! I was STILL trying to take control. All would be good, as long as He didn’t mess with my plans. MY plans. Catch that? How often do you have plans that you are only willing to negotiate a portion of them? This is the battling I’m talking about. Sounds like a lot of drama too, huh?

As the days started to pass, the pain wasn’t going anywhere, but I wanted to believe so bad it was getting better. My husband did too… you know because we both have plans. And this didn’t fit in them. And, surely he was getting tired of “doing it all.” Besides running the three big kids all over town, wrangling two twenty month olds is a JOB, friends. Unfortunately for him, all his job… until further notice. As of day seven, yesterday, the days of guilt had worn on this recovering people pleaser. Plus, I could feel my muscles turning to mush, numbness in my legs at night due to lack of activity and the depression creeping in. Woe is me, right?

But, it’s true I was getting super bummed…

I’ll by 40 this Saturday and we’re leaving on an adult family birthday trip in two days. I’ve been looking forward to this since my 30th! But relief wasn’t looking good and my plans were looking a little more dim by the day. Poor me and my drama, right? I told you it was laughable, remember? But I’m a loyal, keep-it-real kind of girl. Not to mention, I have a feeling I’m not the only one who has sulked in her own pity party that was fit for a small crowd of only her Mom and maybe best friend.

I didn’t mention that the twins both got “Hand, Foot and Mouth” disease last week in the midst of my debilitation, did I? But, that’s par for the course starting this time of year. Honestly, with five kids, we’re lucky to have a few days break between some sort of illness. Anyway, because the babies were still recovering, Mike and I kept them home from church, which meant we split up – going to separate services, solo.

Truth be told, a solo escape isn’t always the worst thing to do when you’re struggling with some sort of annoying circumstance that has you down. Sometimes being alone can do wonders for an introvert like me. If I’m being honest, ever since the twins were born, I crave more and more of it. In fact, time alone can refuel me and just so happens to be when God speaks to me the most clearly. And the good Lord knows, I need Him. Me and my crazy. I need His clear instruction. Like, no time for confusion, no beating around the bush, shoot it to me straight.

And it’s funny, because we know we need Him, but I tend to forget just how much… until He really shows up. When he shows and says… “HEY YOU! I am what you need. Not perfect weather or leisurely jogs at the beach to feel joy. Not more money to feel peace. Not to feel prettier or in better shape to receive love and approval. Not to be more active and healthy to enjoy life. I am the one you need. Only I can give reliable joy, true peace, perfect love, unconditional approval and abundance of life. Not your plans, My plans. Above all.” 

And that’s what I got yesterday…

The song knocked the breath out of me and wrapped around my soul. What was it I was really wanting through all this? What was I really looking for? What do I really need? And then our pastor asked the congregation coincidentally or not so coincidentally, “What do you want most in life?” …What do I really want in life? What did I really want at that moment? …Ultimately? …for my back to be better? Less inconvenience in my life? A little more comfort? A little more money? What do you really want right now? What do you want most? 

After God rocked my world and shook me up with conviction during the song I entered the church on, my answer was this… “PEACE.” That’s what I want… above all. All this “stuff” I had wanted had been fluff and would never truly fulfill anyway. I want peace. I really do. That’s what I truly crave, that’s what I truly need. God’s love and God’s peace. 

And I felt it at that moment.

I felt His presence… I felt His peace… and all was good. So good. I pitied my circumstances all week searching for comfort, but I had it all wrong. And at that moment, when I found His peace, I had everything I had been searching for. And here’s what’s so crazy… God gives peace freely. All the time. It was there all week when I grumbled, and it will be there this week with me in Florida, no matter my circumstances. 

More than anything, what I want, is to be… “overcome by Your Presence Lord.” You are welcome here. Friends, welcome Him into your circumstances, and He will fill your atmosphere too… Giving us what our hearts long for… and all that our hearts ultimately need.

(Podcast Audio Version Available Here.)

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