Do you ever feel like everyone is judging you? You know… for EVERYTHING? It absolutely wears me out. And do you feel like you constantly have to explain why you did this, and why you didn’t do that? Why are you being quiet? Why are you talking so much? It’s like no one understands… ever. To the point that you want to dig a big hole and hide in it because then maybe you won’t have to face the judgement and guilting. No. One. Understands. And that’s the truth…
They don’t understand.
I guess I can’t blame them, though. We probably confuse people. For example… I’m an introvert. It’s true! Most people that meet me wouldn’t guess that off the bat. But here’s the thing… to avoid awkwardness and because it seems the right thing to do, I choose to be friendly. I don’t always want to be. Sometimes when I walk into a room full of people that I don’t know, I want to find an excuse to run straight to the bathroom and hide – to avoid discomfort. On my better days, I muster the strength to stay in the room, plant a smile on my face, and talk to people pretending to be an extrovert. Do you ever do that? Yep, you’re confusing everyone too. But we do this because what’s even more awkward than making small talk about the temperature in the room, is standing alone by yourself in a corner with a blank stare that says, “I don’t know why I’m here, and I don’t even like people.” Truth is, I really do like people. A LOT, in fact!! I’m actually an introverted extrovert who once you get to know me, I become an annoying, talks-too-much extrovert. That is… in my comfort zone.
My point is, I am really good at putting that smile on and pretending to be someone I’m not, and that totally confuses people. They take me for face value and now they have expectations of me. If all of a sudden I seem distant or even stop showing up to the party or events, they might think I’m being rude, don’t like them, or maybe going through some sort of mid-life crisis. Am I???? No! I’m perfectly normal! You just don’t understand me.
You don’t have to explain.
Not just with moods changes, because it seems like my choices are under the microscope constantly. You? Friends, family, and people I hardly know – I feel the judgement. Side note: If you have known someone less than five minutes, if you have never had a deep heart to heart talk with that person, and furthermore, if you have never been in their body/life/world for a day, you do NOT deserve the right to an opinion about their decisions. Truth moment… this goes for me too. BUT, remember that about the person you THINK has an opinion about you. Pretty much they are clueless when it comes to your life, and thus don’t have the right to an opinion about how you handle it. (By the way, this doesn’t apply if you’re still under your parents’ roof. In this case, parents have every right to all the opinions. Just saying!)
I have an example for you… My sister loves to throw her kids FANTASTIC birthday parties! I love her dearly, but we are polar opposites in many ways. She’s your classic extrovert. I absolutely admire her gift of hospitality. It blows my mind! And also exhausts me, because ain’t no way I could ever do all that she does when it comes to entertaining and the parties she throws for just about any occasion. But I’ll be there! Well, until at least 9 pm when I casually sneak out or make up some excuse (as if I need to justify – ugh!) of why I need to get going. Can’t I just say small-talking and smiling for hours on end to 50+ people wears this mama out! Life isn’t forgiving enough these days to be worn out tomorrow. I gotta get up tomorrow and be on my game, ladies! How do you guys do it!?
Anyway, she called me a few months ago a little down after she sent out an invite for her son’s birthday party. Of course she had invited the whole neighborhood, half the kids’ school and her son’s entire swim team… and their mother. But, get this… she got push back about the date she chose. Pause. Ok, I can stop right there. I could tell you why she chose the date and time, but should it even matter? For heaven’s sake! Why does someone choose when to have a birthday party for their child, people? Before you start to consider you own agenda… Maybe it actually has something to do with my sister trying to do the best she can for her kids and all the while keeping a sane life balance. God love her for caring enough to actually give in and alter her vacation to appease some of those people with issues. I would have been too furious to even consider. But I can’t stand that we feel like others even have the right to an opinion.
Friends, sometimes, you just need to do you because God gave you… your family, your body, your heart, your mind, your thoughts, your unique gifts, your interests, your life. And NO ONE, not even your husband, your Mom, your best friend, your person, will ever fully understand you. And beyond that, for that very reason, even your explanation won’t justify to them why you make the choices you do. So don’t stress it. You don’t have to. Sure, you can try to explain if you actually have the energy for it, and maybe it is good to sometimes shed some light to others just so they can appreciate the truth in your heart. But you always have a reason why, right? You are not mean, you are not selfish, and in all reality you know you probably made your best decision to protect others who matter most to you. To protect the people who mean the most to you – as you should. Or maybe you made a choice simply based on what you need to do for you so you can be your best you – also, as you should. Now, if you’re a jerk, I may have some different advice, but that’s not you. You wouldn’t be reading this if that was you, I’m sure of it. And that’s not me.
If you are trying your best and I bet you are, you don’t owe anyone an explanation. Even God. He knows your heart, he knows your why, and in fact, He has a lot to do with it. Sure I think it’s important to try to be better, to ask God to show us where we are wrong and to give us strength and direction to do what is right. But I know you’re trying, and you mean well. Just remember you fall short, we all fall short. So for that reason just remember to give grace to others like you want to receive it from them.
Give grace to others.
I missed three ball games last weekend. Did you notice? Yeah you, mom of two kids sitting on the bench noticing the man left alone with his five children, wondering, “where in the world is his selfish wife?” (In case you didn’t catch it, I’m the selfish wife.) Have you ever been that mom sitting judging and assessing this situation? If I am being honest, I probably have. But what do I know? What does she know? I bet she doesn’t know that the only way this mama of five can hold on when the days are long is by having a super strong faith. And that it is vitally important for her family that she spends the weekend at her church’s women’s conference to receive the fuel she needs to take her best care of her people! It was awesome by the way! So was the couch time I had when I got home explaining to my kids why. Not that I owe it, but this is a case I was referring to where sharing your why and letting someone peek into your heart can maybe be a positive influence. This was one of those moments. But I didn’t need to justify why I missed the games to anyone else…
Fortunately the closer I get to 40 the less I am concerned with the little cares and judgements of others. I hope that’s you. If there’s one thing I would go back and tell my 30-year-old self it would be, stop worrying so much about what others think. You’re a fine lady; do your thing! Oh the stress and energy wasted. Now when I make a decision or present a mood to the world that I sense someone may struggle with, I just remind myself… Give others the grace I want to receive. And sometimes more important than that…
Give yourself Grace
Truth is, only God really knows why you do what you do and why you are who you are. Ever been totally confused why you feel a certain way? How crazy is that?! You expect that sometimes your husband may not get it, but then sometimes you don’t even get it yourself. But guess what, God does. That person he made (you) was with amazing intention. So give yourself some grace, friend. Sometimes I’m mad and I don’t want to be. Sometimes I’m scared and I don’t want to me. You may get frustrated with your moods and can’t shake them. You may even get frustrated with decisions just as much as someone else does with you, but remember God made you as his masterpiece. There is purpose in your struggle and purpose in who he made you. HE knows we are all imperfect but has a plan to use all parts of us together for His good. So just as you will extend the grace to others you want to receive, you should also give yourself that grace. God gives us all grace. To me and to YOU.
So, yes, it’s true… if they knew you, they might understand…
But, they don’t and that’s ok…
You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Have peace and know that only God’s opinion matters and he made you that way on purpose…
Remember to give others grace and while you’re at it…
Give yourself some grace too.
Afterall, you’re pretty awesome, my friend.
(Audio Version of this blog entry…)
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