My journal entry, July 31, 2017…
I literally fell to the floor of my bedroom closet early this morning when that little line appeared… in absolute AWE! In awe of God’s Love, in awe of His faithfulness, in awe of His power, and His PLAN… for me, for Michael, for our three kids, our whole family. I hope and pray I can put all the pieces together in writing someday… to remind me of how God nudged me, spoke to me, worked in me, worked through others to show me His desire for me. To remind me how he stayed close, brought me closer, showed me more signs, and gave me more direction. He gave me the strength to learn and understand that His strength, not mine, can take me through anything that He is calling me to do. Ultimately it was His strength that gave me the courage to submit to the call, to persevere, to have peace, to have patience, and to seek growth in my relationship to Him and my husband to prepare me…
14 years ago today (July 31, 2003) after letting my dream die, God revealed to me my husband – what a blessing! (Click here to read that story in last week’s post, “Finding Love”)
Today a positive pregnancy test revealed what has been in the works since I let my dreams die and said “Anything God” – A fourth child to me and Mike. I could write for hours right now expressing my emotion of awe of God’s love and I hope to slowly share in this journey over the next nine months, but for today, this scripture is my song!
“Let ALL that I am Praise the Lord; May I never forget the good things he Does for me.” – Psalm 103:2 NLT
Journal entry 24 hours later, August 1, 2017…
“Take delight in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” Psalm 37:4
I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom (One of three times – here it starts! Oh the joys of pregnancy!) and was flooded with the overwhelming joy all over again… those moments when you wake in a daze and recall “something” that recently “actually” happened and not in your dream. But it’s a really good “something” this time. By the third time I got up with that joyful reminder of this blessed baby on the way I was just too excited to go back to sleep. (5:45 a.m. wake up day two! Ha!) I am just flooded with joy in my heart! More than I can ever remember! God is SO good! He is my Joy!
“These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy my be FULL!” – John 15:11
But back to Psalm 37:4, about delighting in the Lord and giving me the desires of my heart… When it was finally clear to me in this journey, the path I should take – that being my openness and willingness to have another baby – my heart and desire then followed. As it was becoming more clear, my focus began to shift from thoughts like “God, are you sure?” to then, “Ok, I hear you and will obey,” and then a step too far to “I will now make this happen.” The evolution of thoughts went from no desire, to His inspiration, to a desire he grew in me, and then me turning into “my way.” After all, this was HIS idea, I’m just doing what I’m supposed to, right?! But, now I wanted it BAD! And in my timing. Patience?! I knew that would be a tough one for me. Isn’t that all of us? When we decide we want something, we want it NOW, and many of us think we can control the “how to” as well.
Through the journey, over and over, I coincidentally kept reading about how God’s calling for us is more about the journey than the actually calling. In my case, more specifically about how God wants to move in me, transform me, grow me and my character to prepare me for His calling. He wants to move through me to reach others based on my changes, that might reflect his character and love. I should let my dream, my desires die, before I can be prepared or worthy of receiving and accepting them. Because maybe it’s not about “having a baby” or giving me the joy of a child. But, maybe working toward this desire and dream is about something totally different that God has in store, something that I can’t even fathom right now — OR maybe it’s about BOTH?!
Above all, it became clear that God wants ME, he wants my whole heart, surrendered to Him… maybe it’s the baby he had in mind all along… it sure felt like that’s where he was leading me… but I was learning to trust Him either way. He wants first and foremost for me to delight in Him, #1! Not in any of my three children, or a potential baby on the way, or even my husband. He wanted me first to delight in Him and all of His righteousness. He commands me to first, LOVE GOD, then LOVE OTHERS. And so, that’s what I did. “Other’s” number one was my husband. By loving him well I could stop trying to control and manipulate having a baby (as I did with no luck for many months), because by loving Mike the best I could, I would by default be doing all necessary to bring a baby into the world if that was His plan – enough said. And if it didn’t come to be, I would be greatly blessed with love and knowing I am doing right by God. Remember Keri, delight in the Lord.
So I went to work, letting my desires go and shifting my focus to delighting in the Lord by loving and serving others and NOW he has given me the desires of my heart! …God is so good! Oh the Joy! May I delight in Him all the days of my life!
Two years later…
I am so thankful God gave me the inspiration to write my initial thoughts in these two journal entries when I first found out I was pregnant. How ironic reading my thoughts when I had no idea the “baby” would actually be “two!” I had no idea how big His plan was at the time. It still amazes me! I guess letting my desires die prepared me for something even bigger and better than I ever imagined. And I promise you this, the joy flooded my heart and soul all over again that special day in the ultrasound a few weeks later while I watched, in happy tears, two tiny babies swimming around. They were and are a miracle!
I have every intention of putting this entire story into a book someday. From the first thought of another baby, almost two years before I got pregnant, until we met those living, breathing twin angels… it is a powerful story of love, growth, trial and triumph that would be sure to inspire many. I look forward to sharing more with you, friends. I don’t usually write to this depth of my faith in the hopes of reaching more souls, but this was real, these were my words on that day. Thank you for the opportunity of letting me share my unfiltered, raw heart and story with you. Until we meet again…
P.S. My hope is that words of comfort and encouragement reach others. If you feel so inspired, I would be very honored if you would click “SHARE” below, so your friends can receive this message.
Comment here with your thoughts. I hope this message inspired you!