This picture of me was not easy to take. At all… So why did I do it? Actually, I did it for you, and I did it for me. Let me explain…. Do you really believe you are beautiful? Do I? The vulnerable truth is… Most of the time, I’m not sure I truly do. Not in this reflection anyway. Not when I first roll out of bed in the morning in the natural state God made me. You know, a bit puffy, no make-up, unshowered, unbrushed hair, and as you see here, with this attractive belly brace on – my last ditch effort to avoid surgery for my post-twin abdominal separation. Ugh!
I don’t want to feel this way. You know, “unbeautiful”. I don’t think anyone likes the fact that the only way they feel truly beautiful is when they are at their “Best”. But, I also don’t think they really know how to shake that feeling. So I do what most do. I attempt to look “my best” so I can “feel” more beautiful… well, most of the time. All for the sake of feeling better about ourselves and possibly going about our days more effectively. I thought for the sake of exposing myself to extreme embarrassment, and maybe for the hopes of relating to a few of you, I would share what “my best” looks like to me. And trust me, I know writing this makes it as evident to you reading it, how ridiculous it is.
My currently (crazy) definition of beauty?
I am most Beautiful when I “look” my best. That is when…
- Make-up applied perfectly – not too much not to little
- Teeth brushed, white, straight, fresh breath
- Not too tan, not too pale
- Flawless skin, with no blemishes or noticeable scars, freckles, or those age spots beginning to appear (here comes 40!)
- Hair clean, soft, shiny, no roots, no gray, no flyaways, pleasant smell. Pretty much perfect.
- Skinny-ish. But must appear fit as well, complete with muscle definition.
Good grief this is crazy! And sadly, I know this isn’t it! But I must add, my husband better notice the “beautiful” results or I may think I have it all wrong and will surely add more items to my list of “beautiful” expectations I put on myself.
All wrong.
Friends, this is an absolute exhausting nightmare! I hope, I pray that your list isn’t this long. It’s just wrong. It is not the way it is supposed to be. I promise I know that God doesn’t wait till I have all the boxes checked to think I’m beautiful. Really, I do! And also, in my heart, I know His opinion is all that matters of me. But why can’t my heart tell my crazy head the same thing?
Avoidance.
And friends, I know I’m not alone. Why anyone would put such expectations on themselves has perplexed me for years! You may wonder why you keep trying to “keep up with the Kardashian’s” too. Nonetheless, I don’t like it, but yet continue to avoid the answer and solution by continuing to strive for my ideal of “beautiful.” It’s what we know. It’s what we’re use to. Sisters, I see your social media filters and duck-face selfies! I keep playing the game too, all the while being fueled by my spousal reassurance on date night when I’m “all dolled up.” But I asked for it, he knows after all the hard work, I want to be noticed. With all we go through, who wouldn’t? And thanks babe for playing along! Truth is, I really need to ask him to tell me when I get out of bed in the morning, that I’m beautiful. When I want to hide my face and my breath too. Feel me? Ain’t nothin’ beautiful about that! …Or is there???
Confession time.
I’ve done a really good job of avoiding the underlying issue… until last weekend, when I finally had to face my life long struggle. And when I say “life long struggle”, the backstory is for another day, but trust me, there’s some dark stuff there, so be easy on me. Just know this is a tough piece to even write but I promised you “real,” so I’ll continue… I mentioned my abdominal separation. I guess four full term pregnancies, with the 4th being twins at the age of 38, killed my stomach muscles. True! Let’s just say if you know me well and I wasn’t wearing my loose fitting shirts, (all I wear anymore) you might think I’m 3 months pregnant – again! Side note, funny how when you have 5 kids people think you’re crazy enough to keep going. FYI – Not happening friends! Yep, Fixed that!
Ok, back to last weekend. I started a program to naturally correct my diastasis recti (that’s the technical term) and the program requires that I don’t workout for 6-10 weeks. You guys, this is absolute torture for me! While I’m airing all my secrets, I’ll go ahead and tell you, I have worked really hard to meet society standards and get definition in my “almost 40,” “pushed-5-kids-out-of-my-body,” “mom bod.” What I’m saying is, letting go and opening up susceptibility to looking “flabby at 40” in a few months, is the last thing I want. In fact, I’ve put this correction off for a year and a half for this very reason. Did I say, the struggle is real? I don’t want to look pregnant with this protruding false baby bump, but I don’t want to stop working out and risk looking “fat” even more!
Some of you get it, and then others are about to check out because you think I’m nuts! But hang on, I think I’ve got some good stuff coming, I swear! As I continued to put this off, my vanity (call it like it is) became more and more apparent to me. And as I become more aware and then confessed to myself, I realized 2 things. One, this is a problem and, Two I really want to get over it. It’s exhausting, this level of expectation. It’s not healthy and it’s surely not an obsession I want my four daughters to pick up (a whole other issue!)
Inspired to action.
Something else happened last weekend. I was feeling slightly depressed for not working out in days and also feeling down on myself for caring so much (for real, what is wrong with me!?). The three big kids were at the lake with my in-laws and because one of the twins was coming off the stomach bug, we sat down “as is” to watch our Sunday morning church service online. And wouldn’t you know the sermon just so happened to be about “beauty”. Talk about perfect timing! As I sat there in my belly splint, feeling not so beautiful, this message hit me like a ton of bricks. It was so profound, friends! I was beyond proud of the woman who got on stage and shared her story and inspiration on what beauty really is. And to believe she even stated out loud that she didn’t feel like a good candidate to talk about the true definition of beauty because she struggles so much with this topic herself. YES! ME too! I felt the same way…
I was inspired to say the least. I have been choosing topics to write about weekly that are on my heart at that time. And as my struggles with my own self image and beauty were forefront, I had been feeling a nudge to share part of my story for the hope of helping others. BUT, I didn’t feel competent. Seriously, I struggle so much myself with this! What could I possibly offer? Who knows, I thought… maybe it’s just to let you know, you aren’t alone. But this girl was doing it! And rocked it I might add! Regardless, without knowing yet what I would write about or what I would do with the picture I wanted to capture, I decided to take it. I was inspired at the moment by the reminder that I am beautiful to God, just like that. No make-up, no filter. So I captured it. I need to start looking in the mirror and start seeing myself beautiful like that. Like He does. And maybe later I would have the nerve to share that picture, that moment, my story, that it might inspire others.
So without overthinking it, I got a dry erase marker and wrote this note to myself on the mirror. “You Are Beautiful.” Maybe if I could see and read those words, from God to myself, I would start to believe it. I felt a little stupid when my husband walked in, but I was also inspired to be honest and vulnerable about how I feel with others, even if it meant risking embarrassment. I shared with him and he smiled, and said “You are beautiful.” He was sweet, but truthfully I didn’t care at the moment what he thought anyway. It may have totally looked like a silly gesture, but I was inspired to be vulnerable. Inspired by the idea that vulnerability and recognizing oneself at any given moment, as the beautiful masterpiece God created in you (and me), is in itself “beauty”.
Using your gifts is “beauty.”
The message I heard reminded me how “beauty” is also revealed when we use our God given gifts to serve others. This was a challenge I wanted to take for my readers. Maybe I can use my gift and passion to write and inspire others with my struggle of the definition of beauty to help others who struggle with the same thing. But how? I mean, who wants to hear about another girl who struggles, just like she does, if she doesn’t have a solution. What good does that do her if I can’t offer encouragement on how to change how she sees herself if I have not figured out how to change how I define beautiful. I don’t have a solution! I’m a mess! Remember your crazy “list”, Keri?!
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in my writing journey, where God leads me, he guides me. And that he did.
My solution.
I love that I get so much of my inspiration when I jog. I’m slow as a turtle and I don’t go far these days, but it’s therapeutic for me! I especially love it right now, because, though I can’t do much from an exercise and weight bearing perspective (for a couple months anyways), I can apparently “lightly” jog. So, yesterday morning I went out, just me and my thoughts. Well, and Lauren Diagle (Truth be told, her music rocks my soul!). It’s usually about a half a mile in when the inspirations come to me. And then… there it was…
The only way I can redefine beauty is by changing how I recognize beauty in others, and then celebrate it.
That is, If I can actually identify the things I want to believe are beautiful, the beautiful things on the inside. And then if I can recognize those things in others. Then speak them out-loud, even celebrate them. Maybe then, I will start to see the beauty in myself the same way – through the same lens.
Yes! Think about it, my list comes from what I have identified as beautiful. Now, to give myself a slight break, that has definitely been influenced by society standards. How could it not with the way women are portrayed these days? But I’ve fallen victim to it. We need to stop being the victim, own up to falling into the trap of society’s view of beautiful, and once and for all identify what we think is and should be truly beautiful. And then I need to speak it. Instead of passing a young woman all made up in the grocery store and announcing to her how beautiful she looks with her perfectly highlighted and styled hair (though that is very kind of me) – What I need to make more of an effort to do, is to celebrate the beautiful woman who shared her heart in front of thousands on stage last weekend. The beautiful soul that revealed her true essence of beauty when she used her God given gifts and shared her heart for the love of serving and inspiring others! Well done Beautiful sister!
Redefining beauty.
And if we really hope to genuinely view, recognize, and celebrate the true beauty in others outside of what meets the eye, don’t you think it would be important to be specific as to what that looks like? I took an off-the-top-off-my-head stab at the type of beauty I want to focus on and celebrate.
I see beauty…….
When I see someone celebrate and affirm someone else…
When someone helps another in need…
When someone uses their gifts and talents to help and serve others…
When I see someone show love and compassion…
I see beauty in smiles of joy…
I see beauty in confidence and positivity…
I see so much beauty in women of strong faith…
There is so much beauty within that just doesn’t get celebrated enough. You have it in you, and I have it in me. It’s time to celebrate it in others, and recognize it in yourself so that all the “true” beauty shines.
Changing habits.
It sounded so simple to me. But the truth is, now that you’ve identified you were recognizing beauty all wrong, really changing how you view what’s beautiful in yourself may also require making changes in some of your habits. What would happen if I continue with all my same obsessive habits to create that image of what society tells me is beautiful? If I continued with those habits, I can’t expect to redefine and take the focus off of what I once thought was beautiful and move to my new definition of “beautiful”, can I? I love this quote, and it applies to so many other areas of life, but the bottom line guys… “If we want something to change, we have to change something.”
So what can I change? This is the tough part. I told you, I wasn’t sure I was even worthy of speaking about this. The struggle is fresh and I have a long way to go. Many times change for me is just trial and error. But, friends, you have to start somewhere… So I’m making some changes to help shift my focus… They say it takes 30 days to create a new habit! So here it goes… For 30 days I will hide the scale, I will stop counting every single calorie, I will write and leave up words of beauty in my mirror for encouragement, and I will recognize inner beauty in someone each day and tell them.
What changes could you make to stop obsessing over what you see in the mirror? Maybe if we can both incorporate some changes for 30 days and make new habits, we can begin to finally reprogram our beauty radar and free ourselves from the bondage. Imagine, if in this way, we could begin to get to a place where we allow ourselves to see what God sees. Maybe we would start to truly become more beautiful to ourselves inside and out for the right reasons and not only for what we see in the mirror.
Celebrate it and make the switch.
Friends these things of inner beauty should be nothing less than celebrated. What’s beautiful on the inside becomes and grows even more beautiful on the outside. This is the kind of beauty that should be celebrated. I think celebrating others in their true inner beauty is the key to our culture beginning to redefine what is beautiful. Yes it’s kind to notice someone’s new outfit, hair cut, or healthy new physique… But what about their new attitude of passion, voice of inspiration and fierce love for God and unrelenting love for others. That is a beauty worth celebrating. And friends, celebrating the inner beauty of others is in itself, simply beautiful. Celebrating someone in this way will begin to redefine their view and focus, and the fire spreads.
And as we change our habits, as we recognize what is true and pure, and then witness the celebrating and focusing on this inner beauty of all others… it is then that what we see as beautiful in the mirror, changes… and what is revealed in our reflection, is the inner beauty we each possess.
Note to Self: Remember… that you are beautiful. And not for anything the mirror shows. You are beautiful because of your heart. You are God’s beautiful masterpiece and should be celebrated. Just. As. He. Made. You.
P.S. My hope is that words of comfort and encouragement reach others. If you feel so inspired, I would be very honored if you would click “SHARE” below, so your friends can receive this message.
Comment here with your thoughts. I hope this message inspired you!