(Audio Version also available here.)

I used to have friends … I mean, I used to have “time” for friends. That sounds so bad doesn’t it? Or does it? Maybe I’m not as alone as I think in this sentiment. I’m in my late 30s (for a few more weeks anyways, so I’m claiming it). And maybe this is just the typical life right now. It would make sense. At this age, you’re tending to the needs of your several kids. Meaning you probably have about as many kiddos as you’re going to have, or more than you thought you’d have, or you’re still contemplating squeezing in one more before your “clock” runs out. 

And so, you may have younger kids, and older kids simultaneously, leaving you playing every role from social coordinator, to baseball or football cheerleader, to personal driver, chef, personal shopper, party planner, maybe you’re even still a potty trainer… Oh my goodness I have to stop! Listing the to dos makes me tired, you know? But, you get it, you have a small basketball team in your house, and trying to be “coach of the year” takes everything you’ve got.

Then, at the end of the night, as you melt into your favorite place in your house – your bed – you crash and burn. But not completely before your allow your eyes to glaze over browsing your social media feeds, only to see how much “fun” the other moms are having. You know… #GirlsTrip #spaDayWithTheGirls #GirlsNightOut #BFF #myTribe… Why does this leave me so depressed? They are having so much fun! They look so alive! They look so vibrant! I want in! You know you can see yourself there too.

And you think, man I need more friends! But I’ve been such a bad friend since after baby number two. And now I’ve been replaced by some extroverted friend who has energy for – #DateNight and #GirlsNight and #SpecialMoments with each of her ten kids. Is this for real??? That’s my question? Is she really doing it all? Am I really a bad friend? I remember having so much fun with my friends. Oh wait, that was mostly before I got married, and definitely before I had my five sweet munchkins.

Are these girls really having as much fun as they seem? Are these relationships really as deep as the hugs of love and smiles of pure joy in their #noFilter photo? Someone please tell me it’s not really what it seems. I mean, can you really put ten girls together for a weekend, and everyone feels loved, included, and fully accepted… all the feels? I wonder how her husband feels being left at home with all those kids and the “to dos”. Does she even care? How is their relationship anyway? Because I know I have a hard enough time finding the time I need for my husband and I alone. Time away from the kids to actually create the deep relationship necessary to support and raise our little humans to be fabulous adults! How does she balance it all and produce with such perfection in her home?

The people in my home have so many needs, and I feel like I can’t keep up as it is. Maybe I care too much about my kids and my husband? No, that can’t possibly be it! But, do you ever feel like that? Like, how does she do it? Maybe, she just says, “Here’s what Mama needs, hubby and kids. You got this, I’m out!” Is that how it works? That easy, huh? Could I do that? It would just feel so wrong… I mean that doesn’t feel like me… not where I am right now. Not in this phase of life anyways, I guess. Maybe she’s just somewhere else. She’s in a different phase. Well good for her! I mean it! But, good for me too… right?

I guess that’s just it. I want to be so many things, but I can really only be a few. “Good” at only a few… At once anyway. I think we need to just figure out who God wants us to be right now, and then let go of the rest. How about that? I want to be a “good” person. I want my faith to ground my existent. I want to be a “good” wife. I want to be a “good” mom. and I also really want to be a “good” friend. Maybe I can be… 

But, maybe being a good friend, for me right now, doesn’t mean a #tribe of 15 that go on girls nights every Wednesday or a beach trip every summer. Maybe it’s ok that I only have half a handful of friends (or just two) who I can call when my husband can’t pick up the phone. Someone to listen to an earful about my day of chaos, or just uplift me when I’m down on my middle schoolers’ social issues. It sure looks fun to escape for the evening, immersing myself in roars of laughter with a roomful of ladies that “get me.” Or maybe I’ll never find that… 

But I’m really not sure if these “mom squads” are as close to each other as I’m longing for anyway. That is, all while also having model marriages, a model faith, and model children. Is that possible? And even if they do, I know I’m not doing myself any favors gushing over what I don’t have. That’s for sure! Maybe some of them are gushing over what I have. I don’t know? Aren’t we all so silly?! 

But I do have a lot, and I need to gush more over that myself.  Not what others seem to have. I may not prioritize oodles of friends to meet for happy hour, but I have a relationship with my best friend that keeps getting better for all that I invest in my marriage. And, I have kids that get so much of me that not a single bad day of middle school or a first step escapes me. #blessed #sorryNotSorry

And at the end of all this, I just need to relax, have peace with where I am, and trust that God has a special plan for me. And he does for you too friends. No matter what phase you’re in. I’ll have my girls trip, but this is not my season. I’m in a phase. A pretty “wrapped up in molding my family before friendships” phase. And truth be told, we’ll miss this phase, friends. I know I will. #itGoesBySoFast #Don’tBlink 

Ladies… To you… if you have a tribe that welcomes you, a large tribe that you can have an absolute blast with – you are so blessed – keep doing your thing. You’ll be my inspiration and your pics will go on my vision board for my next phase of life when my kids don’t need me as much. 

But for you ladies who totally feel me… who wonder why you can’t fit in a group of “fun friends” to celebrate your next “big” birthday with… you are so blessed too. God gave you a deep connection with a special few, whoever they may be… People who will be with you as your tribe grows and when your nest becomes empty. People who understand that your heart is SO BIG, but that it gives the majority of its energy where God is calling it right now… and that is to each blessing right inside your home. 

That’s your phase, embrace it friends.

(Audio Version also available here.)

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